时讯：GRE考试作文点评之Argument篇

本篇文章3083字，读完约8分钟

argument 34 :

( by tju_gis )

milkanddairyproductsarerichinvitamindandcalcium， substancesessentialforbuildingandmaintainingbones.manypeoplethereforebelievethatadietrichindairyproductscanhelppreventostopeps adiseaseinwhichthebonesweakensignificantlywithageandthatislinkedtobothenvironmentalandgeneticfactors.butalong-termstudofa rgee tthosewhohaveconsistentlyconsumeddairyproductsthroughouttheyearsofthestudyhaveahigherrateofboneforfor acturesthananyotherpartics nefracturesareasymptomofosteoporosis、thisstudyresultshowsthatadietrichindairyproductsmayactualyincrease、rather than decrease

in this argument，thearguerconcludesthatadietrichindairyproductsmayincrease， insteadofdecreasingtheriskofosteoporosis alludingthatweshouldlimittheconsumeofsuchproductsforhealth ' s sake，to support this conclus thearguercitestheresultofastudythatthosewhohaveconsitantlyconsumeddairyproductsarevulnerablethanotherstobonefracture， andfractureisasymptomofosteoporosis，hencemorevulnerabletoosteoporosis.itseemsreasonableatfirstglance，acloseexaminationwide he willrevealseveralinherentflawsofit.in the first place， theargumentisbasedonagratituousassumptionthatosteoporosisequalsbonefracture，which is unwarrented.as we know，theremaybealternatic

unlessaconvincingsurveywiththereasonsofbonefracturesoftheindialsinvolvedinthestudyisproposedthallfracturesarecausedbost eoport thestudywillendlittlesupporttotheargumentforitsownrepresentivenessissuspected。

in addition、thearguerfailstotakeintoaccounttheage、 hobbyandotherreleventbackgroundoftheinpidualswhoparticipatedthestudy.itisnotjustdiaryproductsthatmatter.it ' s posible，even thatthosewholikemountingaswellasdiaryproducts.it ' sobviousthatthoseclimbersaremorevulnerabletobonefracture，howcanweowethefra

finally，thearguerignoresotherfactorssuchasgenes， surroundingsandhabitsthatmayhavesomebearingsonosteoporosis totracethecausesofosteoporosistoanysinglereasonistobemissthewoodforts theargumentisunconvincingduetoseveralreasonsstateabove.tostengththeargument， thearguershouldestabishacausalrelationbeteweenosteoporosisandbonefracture，to make the argument more cogent， thearguershouldinitiateasurveywithosepeopletodeterminethatifthediaryproductsarethegenuinereasonforfracture.unlessthearger

注释--by paisley[gter作文版版主]

先改正几个小错误

1、limit the consume of such products必须是consumption。

2，thosewhohaveconsisitantlyconsumeddairyproductsaremorevulnerablethanotherstobonefracture，andfractureisasymptomofstepoport he

3、“osteoporosis equals bone fracture，which is unwarrented”虽然不确定这个equal在使用，但是我觉得用the same with比较好。 另外，这个which is……在语法上是修饰bone fracture的，所以应该分解成两个词。

4、“take into account the age，hobbyandotherreleventbackgroundwhoparticipatedthestudy”在这里，我觉得把background换成element比较合适。 后来说participate容易引起误解，认为是研究工作者的人，最好用are involved。

5，“it's possible，even probably，thatthosewholikemountingas well asdiaryproducts”这个词在aswellas中似乎缺乏句子成分，不太清楚

6、is to be miss the wood for the trees .这里be应该拆下来

7，theargumentisunconvincingduetoseveralreasonsstateabove这里应该是stated

8、should estabish a causal relation应该是relationship哦。 relation和relationship不同

其他的写得很好，句子还很流利，意思也很清楚。 观察细节问题的话，上5分没关系。